Conflict Resolution
For my views on conflict resolution you can also consult my Positive Child Behaviour Management Policies and Procedures.
Generally when there is a problem I approach ALL children involved CALMLY.
This is because all of the children involved have a problem. One of them might appear to have solved his/her problem by some form of physical or verbal violence or by using his/her strength to attain an item in dispute; however, this child also has a problem.
I then ASK all children involved what their problem is, actually using the term "problem" so they will learn what the concept of "having a problem" is.
Next I LISTEN to what they tell me. This appears to be too simple a thing to mention, however, it is a fact that most adults simply don't listen to children and as we all know "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups!"
I then REPEAT what they told me in order to show them that I was indeed listening. This is something most children are initially not used to. It very often surprises them that someone takes their issue, and thus by inference them seriously.
I then ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings. This is also very important. Children do not by nature realise that other people can empathise with their emotions. They literally don't know that the adult next to them has had the same emotions lots of times and knows what it feels like. In fact, very often simply acknowledging a child's emotions will as such solve the problem.
Moreover, the child needs to learn the word to go with the emotion. By definition, the nouns that describe emotions are abstract. Young children, however, learn concrete nouns first. Things that they can touch. Abstract nouns, such as those describing emotions are thought concepts. Of course, we can also experience them by feeling and listening into ourselves.
To a young child it is a great relief to find out that other people, represented by the adult next to them, are not only able to empathise with what they are feeling but moreover that there is actually a word for their feeling. Finding this out makes them feel much better straight away.
When children get a little older and have learnt about having emotions and their names, which they are well able to do at two years of age, they can, with the help of a supporting adult, learn to solve their own problems. Ultimately, this is the teaching goal since people need to be able to solve their own problems. It's a life skill.
In order to get there, I repeat what all (usually both) children say to the other child(ren) respectively. This way they learn to understand that the other person sees the situation in a different light, and how s/he sees it. Children are egocentric by nature and do not normally see the other person's point of view. They only know how they feel and view the situation. Besides, young children's emotions are not yet as harnessed as adults' ones. They are extremely strong and can be quite overwhelming. Therefore, the children need adult help to cope with their emotions.
The adult must CONTAIN the child's emotions. This literally means that the adult acts as a kind of container that sucks up, i.e. contains the child's emotions. Just like a container, the important thing is that the container-adult is neutral. The adult must not judge what the child is saying. (See box on right.) The adult must not say who is wrong or right. This is not the objective. Remember, both (or all) children involved in the conflict have a problem. They need to learn how to solve their problem. The adult must be the role model, not the judge.
Usually, problems can be sorted out in this way.
When one of the children has a problem I use active listening techniques with this child.
When I have a problem I use I-messages. I also use "I"-messages when I am speaking for another child.
When a relationship (between me and the children or between two or more children) has a problem I use a five step problem solving technique.
A judge "solves" problems for other people by applying certain rules, i.e. laws made by even other people.
The whole point in having a separation between legislation, jurisdiction, and executive in adult law is to minimise injustice.
Think about what I would be doing if:
I made the rules in the house (in High Scope programmes the children are involved in the process of agreeing on certain basic housekeeping rules),
I judged who was keeping the rules and who was breaking them (no judging in High Scope), and
I then went on to punish (no punishment in High Scope) whoever
I thought was wrong.
This is what tyrants do. I would certainly not be preparing the children for life in a democratic society, which is one of the demands of Aistear.
Moreover, children have a natural dislike for injustice. They would feel wronged and become frustrated because they have no chance against me, the adult.
Frustration is a very strong emotion in itself and this would cause more problems in the medium to long term.
The most likely result would be retaliation. However, since the adult judge is untouchable and invincible the retaliation would be geared towards the perceived cause of the initial problem - the other child.